I
> called my friend
> Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
> appointment for a colonoscopy.
>
>
>
>
>
> A few days later, in his
> office, Andy showed me a
> color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that
> appears to go all over the
> place, at one point passing briefly through
> Minneapolis .
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Then
> Andy explained the colonoscopy
> procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient
> manner.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> I
> nodded
> thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he
> said, because my brain
> was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
> 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> I left
> Andy’s office with some
> written instructions, and a prescription for a product
> called ‘MoviPrep,’
> which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave
> oven. I will
> discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to
> say that we must
> never allow it to fall into the hands of
> America ’s enemies.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> I spent
> the next several days
> productively sitting around being
> nervous.
>
>
>
>
>
> Then, on
> the day before my
> colonoscopy, I began my
> preparation.
>
> In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat
> any solid food that day;
> all I had was chicken broth, which is
> basically water,
> only with
> less flavor.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Then, in
> the evening, I took the
> MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
>
> powder together in a one-liter
> plastic
> jug, then you fill it with
> lukewarm water.
>
>
>
>
> (For
> those
> unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
> gallons).
>
>
>
>
> Then
> you have to
> drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
> because MoviPrep
> tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of
> goat
> spit
> and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of
> lemon.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The
> instructions for MoviPrep,
> clearly written by somebody with a great sense of
> humor, state that after
> you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may
> result.’
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> This is
> kind of like saying that
> after you jump off your roof, you may experience
> contact with the ground.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> MoviPrep
> is a nuclear laxative. I
> don’t want to be too graphic, here, but,
> have you ever seen
> a space-shuttle
> launch? This is pretty much
>
> the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There
> are times
>
> when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You
> spend several
>
> hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
> violently.
>
> You eliminate everything. And then, when
> you figure you
>
> must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter
> of MoviPrep,
>
> at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels
> travel into the
>
> future and start eliminating food that you have not
> even eaten yet.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> After an
> action-packed evening, I
> finally got to sleep.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The next
> morning my wife drove me
> to the clinic. I was very nervous.
>
> Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I
> had been
>
> experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
> spurtage. I
>
> was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’
> How do you apologize
>
> to a friend for something like that? Flowers
> would not be enough…
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> At the
> clinic I had to sign many
> forms acknowledging that I understood and totally
> agreed with whatever the
> heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of
> other colonoscopy
> people, where I went inside a little curtained space
> and took off my
> clothes and put on one of those hospital garments
> designed by sadist
> perverts, the kind that,
> when you put it on, makes
> you feel even more naked
> than when you are actually naked..
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Then a
> nurse named Eddie put a
> little needle in a vein in my left hand.
> Ordinarily I would have
> fainted, but Eddie was very good, and
>
> I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that
> some people put
> vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was
> ticked off t
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